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People
close to me know that I'm pretty touchy when it comes to my ethnicity. Whenever
someone says that I'm Asian or Vietnamese, I always correct them by saying: 'I'm
Dutch with Vietnamese heritage'. It's not that I'm ashamed or that I'm running
away from my Asian roots, it's just simply that I feel totally and utterly Dutch.
This has always caused confusion and difficulties in my life and it’s the main
reason why I literally have an identity crisis since forever.
There
have been many occasions when I thought that I've come to terms with who I am,
but my surroundings always proved me wrong. Although it has been a blessing to
grow up between two cultures: the Dutch one and the Vietnamese one, it hasn't always
been easy either. I'm not going to get into what a struggle it has been bla bla
bla… Conclusion of my entire childhood is that I've never really felt connected
with my Vietnamese roots and have always considered myself to be Dutch.
In my
heart, I feel Dutch. I've been born and raised in this liberal and democratic
country and have been given a lot of opportunities to become the person that I
am today. However, I cannot deny my Vietnamese roots. My dad left his
fatherland as a boat refugee to give me the life that I have today, but how is it
that I can't seem to connect with his 'homeland'?
 |
| Proud to be... Dutch, but can't deny my Vietnamese roots either |
It's a question that I've been struggling with throughout my life. In 2010, I even took the time to go to Vietnam for six months and explore the country for myself. It's a magnificent and beautiful country. I've met a lot of people who I connected with and I loved working with the kids in Vietnam, but the country couldn't put a sparkle in my heart.
 |
| I loved working with the kids in Vietnam |
I gave myself
some piece of mind after this journey. I've done my best and it's okay to feel
the way that I do. Lately, I've been second guessing this. This summer, I was a leader at a camp for Dutch children of Vietnamese heritage. At the camp, I could
see how Vietnamese many of the kids are and they were so proud of it as well. I
questioned myself a lot during this week, because how can an eight year old
express a feeling that I've been struggling to find for almost three decades?
 |
| I went to these camps myself ever since I was five and even then I felt more Dutch than Vietnamese |
I've also
gotten to know the other camp leaders better. Five boys in particular. They
call themselves F5, I call them boys, but
they're young men really. On the surface, they seem just as Dutch as I am, but
they consider themselves to be Vietnamese. And they're so so so proud of it as
well. Just the other day, Jimmy (one of the boys) posted 'Tôi Là Người
Việt Nam' on Facebook as his status. This means: 'I am Vietnamese'. It is might
blowing to me how these young men are so proud of their roots, when I'm seriously
struggling to do so.
 |
| The F5 boys: Patrick, Jimmy, Anthony, Philippe & Terence |
Nevertheless, I seriously do admire the next generation,
people like the F5 boys, for being so sure of who they are. I envy them for
being able to take such a clear stand. They are good brought up young men who
also got the best of both worlds (the Dutch and Vietnamese). I can tell by the
way they respect me as an older sister, which they learned from the Vietnamese
culture. Then, they also have their classic Dutch moments, which have brought
me a lot of laugher. I've gained five new younger brothers over the summer. All in all, they are one of the reasons why I'm rethinking
my entire identity again. I think that this is one of those things that I will
never figure out, but that's okay. Dutch or Vietnamese, in the end, I'm just
me and there's no one who can change that.
Signing off as a teeny tiny confused,
Bao-Nhi
